Post Christmas

A wish you all a happy festive season.

Pre Christmas my girlfriend and I went off to celebrate the 22nd of December. It was a very special boys 30th birthday party. When you read An Office Affair … you’ll understand why this is a very weird thing for me to have done but I felt so much better for it.

Our flat had been painted and decorated and new curtains were put up. Beautiful rich curtains that block out the light and make movie watching an absolute joy! I don’t have to worry about the neighbours or security peeping through the window anymore either.

ie. I’m weird that way.

I was dreading Christmas. Husband had to work and I was to be left to my own devices to cope with my family and the extensions all by myself. I told myself it was going to be horrible. Good for me really – because it wasn’t horrible at all. I arrived before the masses descended on grandmothers house so I build up a nice repertoire with my aunt who was already handing out glasses with testers for her jam jar recipe. Even gran had a few gulps .;-)

Lunch commenced with alot of shouting for me to get out of the car and come in for the blessing. Sigh. There was enough food to feed a small army. One family arrived late and brought glamour barbie along. I wouldn’t call her barbie though. Just the dress.

By the end of lunch while all the girls (my aunts, mum, gran and I) were sitting around the sweet table sipping on really well made jam jars and champagne while the boys were outside with Coke and beers I felt like I hadn’t had such a great Christmas day in a long time. There was so much laughter and joy as I sat at the table reading through my NaNovel and making notes while I listened to them and burst out laughing more often than not. All went well until mother decided it was time to pick at me – she said my new wedding ring looked like something you get from a Christmas cracker or lucky packet. I tried to deflect it by telling her that sooo many people absolutely admire this ring and beyond all that my husband made a good choice with a yellow rock and I adore it! I could feel my good mood slipping away so I closed the novel and concentrated on the lighthearted conversation that the jam jars were instigating. God bless Jam Jars! I was still doing okay when husband called to say that he loved me and that they were really busy at work. It started going south when my step dad asked if he could take me home after 4 years and I – being in self preservation mode asked mother whether her whole family (read ugly step sister) would be in the car too and if so I would be obliged to ask someone else to please take me home as I am not in the mental head space to attempt confined spaces with the entire family. Add to the mix that the dysfunctional step sister is walking about very proud of her offspring (read yet another life she plans to ruin) and I was tethering on the edge. Mother had a fit of note sprouting forgiving and forgetting that the step sister led to your mental breakdown and re occurring bouts of depression which leads to the dosage of your anti depressants constantly having to be adjusted depending on how long I’ve gone without having to see all of them in one room. Pause for effect.

And I’m wrong?

So after crying myself to sleep on Christmas night and sleeping through most of the next day and then taking to dvds in the dark, I decided to un invite mother to my home for my un official one year anniversary. I sat in the dark lounge with dvds trying to boost my self esteem to the size of something resembling a mustard seed I have to ask for a respite from all things family this New Year. If not now when?

They are my family and I love them. Infact they are on the top of my prayer list but just recently I found out that because I try and avoid confrontation and I keep the peace I am doing so much damage to myself. I’m tired of feeling like the outcast member of the family due to their behaviours, which by all logical reasons I am, so I don’t blame them but  I’d like to left in peace now, so I can finally live my life (step sister) half sister free.

I think my mother should change her prayers from asking God to bring unity to her family to asking God to give her clarity. A little respect for me and acceptance that she had her chance to fix her family and instead decided to throw her vulnerable, depressed and suicidal daughter out. Thank you mother for making me strong. I know how I came into this world, by the way, so don’t talk to me about forgiveness. Take some responsibility for your actions. Maybe you’ll find some acceptance in this 4 year situation that way.

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