Sometimes it’s not as black and white


I say there is a definite grey are when it comes to cheating.

I would guess that in alot of cases the blame is squarely placed on the one that did the cheating and alot of pity is felt for the person cheated on. That shouldn’t always be the case.

The novel I’m working on ,An office affair, is roughly based on a case which isn’t so black and white.

Sometimes, you will find, the other woman doesn’t really regard it as an affair to begin with. Sometimes  the other parties are so lonely and just for a moment of feeling desirable – shit happens. 

I’m not defending anyone. Okay, I’m not defending anyone specific.

I’ve been watching the ROBSTEN scandal with some interest. If you’re a regular, you would know I am a twilight fan. I read the magazine articles and random fan comments with such disdain. Who are we, the peanut gallery to judge her for falling for the charms of a man fully aware that he had a wife and children? How can she possibly fall for the allure of someone who represents commitment and maturity and makes her feel safe and important? Worse – How can he take her back? How can he accept some of the blame of what happened? How can he be so mature about it and fight for his relationship when there are so many other willing fish in the sea? He’s in Hollywood. This isn’t normal! He’s going against the grain! He’s setting a standard that says that people can forgive and move on with some elbow grease, an apology and building a bridge. Maybe they are normal people after all. How can this be?! If it’s true. Give the guy a break. If it is true. Give the couple some much-needed support.

When there is infidelity people seem to feel like they have some kind of public right to throw their 5c in as to what the person should do. “You’d be a fool to take her back. I never really liked him.” How about – it’s not about you. Thank you very much!

Miranda, from SEX & the CITY forgave her fictitious husband Steve for his indiscretion. I’m just saying. Granted he was man enough to tell her about it but with what he said he had a  point. Miranda was never around. When she was she was always working or busy with the baby. They never had time for sex and when they did she wanted to get it over with as quick as possible so she could sleep, to get some rest, to get back to her job. There was no connection. No deeper meaning. No vows being held up.

I might be sounding like I’m harsh. You might be reading this thinking, you’ve so obviously never been cheated on.

Oh, but I have.

I was firm and young and bubbly. I was always available with energy for days. I was madly inlove. Yet truth be told, I knew what was happening and I convinced myself that even though he was sleeping with every woman who bat an eyelid, he was still coming home to me. Haha! Long story short – He dumped me. Said I deserved better and that he wasn’t going  to commit to anyone again because he was married and look how that had turned out. He was damaged by another woman and I had to suffer for it. I was broken but then after a long while of berating myself for allowing myself to go through all that, I realised I wasn’t as mad at him as I was supposed to be. It took me longer to forgive myself than it took for me to forgive him. While my friends encouraged me to bust his car and egg his house and while they sent him vile messages which made me cringe on his behalf I realised that he needed forgiveness and love more than he needed my angry violence. And no, I still don’t know why they felt the need to be angry on my behalf. Thanks for the support? I knew, because I knew him well enough to give him my heart, that he was truly sorry for what he had done and failed to do.

Some people aren’t even sorry.

So when I found out that a girlfriend had crossed the moral line with an ex who had now married the woman he’d been living with when they were first together, I had this really weak feeling in my stomach. What would drive her to fall for this slimy guy again. Now knowing he had married the other woman with whom he had kids with. Knowing he was never planning to make an honest woman out of her, what could my friend possibly see in him?

It’s the vicious cycle of poor parenting. Low self-worth. The desperate need to be loved and not be lonely. The re occurring cycle of attracting only the bad guys. Finding good guys and finding them boring, not because they are boring, but because psychologically she doesn’t really believe she deserves them. Then getting very angry with me because I tell her this. I tell her because I love her. I tell her because I believe she deserves to be with someone who values her as a person. She reckons I’ll tell her to leave him and then go back to my husband all warm and cosy. I wish it was that black and white. It’s not.

There are few affairs that are black and white.

I’ve been introduced to women in my early twenties that only ‘dated’ married men because it was uncomplicated. I’d love to get a psychological view to this reasoning. I understand the allure of a married man.

 I’m just wondering – is it worth it?

 The cheating I mean.


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