the ultimate deception

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The silent smile that will kill you because our mothers conditioned us to say “I’m fine.”

Our mother’s would do it. Smile mechanically when the door bell rings even though she and dad just had a massive spat or you could hear her crying in the broom cupboard.

When I was unhappy I was told not to let my face show it. The world shouldn’t know of your problems dear. My cousin was good at deception too. He was so good at it that neither his mother or even his very best friend knew that the happy go lucky, let’s have an impromptu mini party around the kitchen table was really his farewell to them.

An overdose. Dead for two days before he was found.

Mine? The same. Except, God wiped the pills from my system and I woke up the next morning with nothing more than hysterics as to why it didn’t work for me. Now and then I feel the desperate need to talk to someone –  to anyone about the looming darkness inside. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can’t escape it.

Last night I got the motherly – you shouldn’t wear your problems on your face. People shouldn’t know you are having problems talk. Why is this the social condition? What happened to community?

In other words, we all have problems so suck it up until it gets so bad that the stash of pills you have been collecting like a kleptomaniac hiding in that shoe box finds their way down your throat into your gut where finally, you hope, it will silence the deep despair and pain you live with.

But just remember: The sun will shine again. You’re only in the winter of your life. Everything goes in cycles. There is a reason for every season. My personal favourite, ONE DAY, you will look back and laugh at this dark place.

And the voice in the back of your head says. This is the ultimate bullshit because you know from experience that this will go away for a while but eventually you will find yourself right back where you started. Won’t you? Won’t you?

What you don’t say is ” If you want it so badly, get off your ass and go do it. (Because sometimes that’s just not the issue) God helps those who helps themselves and if you want something badly enough, you’ll be patient enough (Strong enough) to deal with the trials that go with it. You’re in a better position than most people, not to minimise your lot, but you are. (I’m in self pity mode, I can’t hear you) Being grateful for what you have is the first step in realising real wealth. (who comes up with this stuff) Being jealous, arrogant, greedy and impatient will only see you make impulsive and erroneous decisions. God exists. (you’re telling something I already know) We’re only given trials to prove our metal. (Yawn) Free choice is a bitch. But a good bitch. It teaches us lessons no one else is going to. Impatience killed a whole lot of people. (Reallly? Because I’m waiting) Exaggerating the facts and losing perspective killed even more. You want to question God? Go ahead! But to your own detriment. Do not test Him. We’re not worthy to do that … but … you finish off your tirade … it’s okay to feel down and lose the plot. Questioning God can also be a good thing … you sometimes find the answers … it gets us closer to him but in the end, don’t lose sight of God or doubt his existence.”

Humorous but true.

Sometimes the silence is soothing and helps the thoughts settle down into what’s perceived as normal.

Sometimes the silence will kill you. Sometimes you’re encouraged to just – fake it, until you make it.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “the ultimate deception

  1. Ah yes. Sometimes I just tell people exactly how crap I am in a candid way of course and then become all serious. Why should I always smile…no ways.

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