The integrity

In my life recently I have come to value my integrity as something fragile and easily lost. I had to ask myself the question whether the compromise I’d made to myself was worth the feeling of loss and fear I now face. The answer is generally no. I obviously beat myself up alot more than other people would. We all do it.

 I don’t recall such an immense feeling of shame and regret as I do now. Never have I been so frightend as to compromise my own integrity for self preservation. Which is what happend.

I told a lie. It was bad. I very nearly lost everything.

I looked alot like her. Feeling of shame and regret and self loathing seeped from me. Not only do I ask myself how will anybody trust what I say again. I ask myself how could I have allowed myself to get so far into an unhappy situation as to have to compromise my own integrity? The big question is of course. What can I do about it now that it’s happend?

Honestly. Oh, the irony. I don’t know.

I just plan to find some kind of healing and forgiveness in myself. Then find a way out of the mess.

Suicide is not an option.

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